This is a truly beautiful piece. It has many undertones to it; many hidden meanings that many people could get from it. I have to say that this means a lot to me. The idea and the concept of receiving something from someone that you love too much and in turn showing how much affection you both hold to each other. Since you asked for Advanced Critique, I'll try to do my best to examine the piece, and make what I could out of it.

I would like to start off by saying that starting the first three paragraphs of the story was a very strong idea, because it makes it sound rhythmic, as it if were a poem. Many people could create an idea of confusion from this, but I think it creates a better atmosphere for the piece. The first paragraph is a nice one, because it tells about what the piece is about. It gives of the sort of idea and feeling that I had throughout the rest of the piece. It was a feeling if passion, and love that was shown through the sentimental item.

The imagery in the second paragraph was wonderful, but I have to ask: You said that it hung in the bedroom in the first paragraph, but now it seems to be in the car. Now, I understand it could have been moved, or just switched spots to let the story move along a bit better, but it could confuse the reader, as it did to me. Throughout this paragraph, you seem to start a lot of the sentences with 'it', as referring to the item, but seems very repetitive. You could switch it up a bit by using other words to constitute for the item; "The beautiful piece that was given to me", "This piece of jewelry"... those seem really cliché, but if you put something else in front of a few of those sentences, it might help the paragraph flow just a bit better. The third paragraph is the same; try not to use the same word in the beginning so much.

Now, for the last paragraph, I get the sense that it's a flashback, because it tells of when the man first gives the item to the woman. Now, I sort of have felt that the whole story was played in reverse, as if you told of if being past from her to the end where she says "It reminded me of the beautiful irony my life had become.", to now where she has just been given it around her neck. I have to say though, that the this paragraph, the final one, was a wonderful way to end the story, because she felt that he life was very rewarded, and that she appreciated everything that she had. I can't help but to feel that it was perhaps a great ending, and a wonderful story all together.

I have to say that I love this story very much. I would love to see more writing from you, and I hope that this comment has helped you.

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→ #seniormentors ←

Very nicely done! Only thing I can say is that the last paragraph seems a bit weighty...maybe find the break in it and make two out of it. Your imagery is beautiful, and you've maintained a nice continuity by starting each paragraph with where it has been.

Hope it helped you with your own emotions!

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I can't let myself be one of those strange people that will add your piece to my favourites without commenting, so here I am.

I really liked this piece. You have a very good voice, one I saw when I checked out "Six Years" just a moment or so ago. I really enjoyed reading your stuff, and I hope to submit more, but my critiquing self is quiet so there is little I can say about it, other than "omg good ".

It sounds like a little piece of a very interesting story, perhaps a prologue.

... that was really, really quite beautiful. ;o; The imagery is so lovely... *enjoyed, quite a lot*

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I wish I could give you the advanced crit you're lookin for, Kay. That was beautiful, almost overwhelmingly so. It got my brain moving. I could see the two of them as I read these words. You have an amazing gift for imagery. I hope you know that!

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That was good. Really good. It was short, but it was enough. It had great imagery. But I have to say I'm not much for critiques right now. I wish I could, though. But I can say that I really liked it.

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"What's Yatta? Is it a person?"

No Haseo. It's a drink. We're leaving the decision to a soft drink.

Few times in my life I've read such a wonderful piece of art. ART, that's what this is. Even when I haven't had the oportunity of receiving such a demostration of love in my life, I can at least feel how is it like.

What can I say, you touched my soul

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"It's incredible how our talk started with boobies and ended with needle-induced autoflagelation." ~Steff

It is a beautiful piece of writing, that's for sure... but the last line really tied it together perfectly.
Here's to hoping you feel introspective more often.

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_{I'm currently cleaning out my message center. That involves replying to all the comments, so if the above is way late, I apologize!}

Well, I just can't resist a good, structured piece. ^^ I'll try and give this the advanced critique it deserves...

Firstly, I loved the structure - the whole story being told travelling backwards in time, told in reverse. It's interesting, and makes the story stand out. Also, I think this structure actually adds more to the story than it would have if it were told chronologically. As the reader we can look back with future knowledge, and we know where it's going and how it will end up. The only thing we don't know is HOW it's going to get there, which is what you tell us throughout the piece.

As to the second thing I loved... the entire second paragraph. I know that's not very specific, but it's true. ^^ The imagery throughout this paragraph was beautiful, and the language and, well, everything. One thing I didn't like so much was the line "It reminded me of the beautiful irony my life had become." It seems a bit too dramatic, and one of those 'beautiful pain' kind of lines. I think it just changes the tone of the story a bit, which so far has been more reflective than poetic... If that makes any sense.

I also liked how you didn't tell the reader explicitly what the piece of jewellery was until the very end (a rosary) but we still manage to get the general idea, because of your subtle hints.

Nice job, and nothing I think you need to particularly change, except for that one line. ^^

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miss midge